2005-08-04 - 11:35 p.m.

So I have no fuckin clue what to do right now. I went to sleep at like 8:30am after talking to Tosha all morning. She should've gone to bed, I know she was tired. Our conversation was so sweet. It's weird saying this cuz I know she's going to read it. But that's okay. I'm talking to Stephanie and she's saying she wants to know every word that was said. God, people are so protective of me.. or possessive?

Kay, so weird day. Finally went to sleep. People called all morning. Giving me messages to give Steven and stuff. Then Ollie called. She and Sandy had just gotten off work. They work literally right down the road from me. I never knew that. So they headed over to my house. I got up and threw on clothes. The one bad thing about sleeping naked is when you have to jump awake and throw on clothes. But I can't stand clothes, so I don't care. I'm trying to fuckin write this out, but I have 4 people talking to me. Steph's asking about brainwashing and if it's reversible. So I'm going to do some research for her. (Gosh, I feel proud when I realize I'm smart.) I think I'm avoiding thinking about today. God. They get here, we're hanging out, the Steven comes home. I give him his messages. Pops gets home and goes to get ready for the bank meeting. Ida gets here, they leave after Pops gives me a check to cash to get a bag. I had to cash Steven' b-day check and deposited my own. (Ollie and Sandy drove me to the bank and Steven followed in his car.) Then I went with Ollie and Sandy to get the bag. Ended up getting stuck at their apartment becuase their friend Jeff was fixing their car. I didn't get home until like 5:30pm. Mom and Steven went to dinenr without me, so I'm hella pissed. And if they went to Buckley's, I'm going to be even more pissed. That's fucked up. It was supposed to be our joint birthday dinner. I am so mad. My Mom is such a fuckin cunt! My brother, too! GRRRRRR. So Jeff, Ollie, Sandy and I decided to go swimming in my neighborhood pool. I came upstairs to change and Ollie came in while I was trying to find clothes to cover my swimsuit cuz I'm self-concious. Ollie and I just started talking about our exes and stuff. She kept busting out bold faced hitting on me. I was like ummmmm. Then she busts out saying she likes me. Then she says,"I know that Tosha girl doesn't like me. What'd she say about me after I left?" "She said she doesn't like you cuz you're always all over her women." Made me giggle. Sandy burst in and started freaking being a bitch. Then Jeff came in and we all sat and laughed for a while, Sandy came back and we talked a little more. Ollie would not stop staring at me. Finally went swimming. We were there a couple hours. None of them tried to dunk me or anything cuz I explained how freaked water makes me. I can't stand it on my eyes. I'm always wiping water off my eyes. I kept swimming laps as best I could (a lot better than last summer, at least.) It's sad how horrible a swimmer I am considering I was a fish before I drowned. Ollie picked me up at one point and carried me around the pool. I mostly just stayed to myself doing flips and laps. A man, his son, and another boy showed up. We all started talking and playing games. Jeff was drunk and brought a beer in the pool with him. He was messing around with the teenager like a kid himself. Chasing him and whatnot. The kid kept jumping out of the pool and hopping the fence. It was funny cuz Jeff tried so hard to catch him. Then Jeff started teaching the little boy how to swim. It was sweet, even if he was drunk. I got out, smoked a cig and went to the bathroom. Went and cannonballed in. Ash showed up there like a stalker. Everyone was like "Who's that?!" As I'm getting out to talk to her. I'm not sure if Sandy and Ollie realized who it was until a few minutes later. Ash took me back to the house, Jeff and Sandy dropped off Ollie so she could change. She was mackin' on me in front of Pops and Ash. Wanted to stay the night, but she didn't have her car. I don't know what to say. She kept finding ways to lay on me and stuff. I feel bad! Jeff and Sandy got back and Jeff was talking his loud ass hick talk during ER which PISSES POPS MONSTER OFF. I whispered to that Ollie and she said they had to leave. So they left, then a little while later, Ollie calls. Jeff left his wallet. Then she starts telling me she likes me and things along that line. That she wished she could stay and I mean. Gah! I went to quickly wash the chlorine out of my hair. In the literal 2 minutes I was upstairs, Ash left and Ollie came and left. Pops went to bed, then Maria shows up again. Ollie calls again and is talking even more major mack. I mean dayum what the fuck? She's always just been a friend, and in a night and a day she's turned major hitting on me. It's really weird cuz I've never thought about her like that. It was Sandy and Ollie, ya know? I didn't think she liked me. And I tried to ignore the hints last night. Why'd she have to come out with it?! I feel horrible! So in the past 2 days, I've had 3 girls say they like me. Tosha hasn't come out and said it. I get the impression (Correct me if I'm wrong.) And then Steph told me she still has feelings for me. I mean what the flying fuck a duck?! 8 months! 8 fucking months I'm alone, lonely and in major need of some sex at least, and nothing. Then in 2 days! I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!! They've all said things that have made me awww. My heart hurts. It's driving me insane. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How I can let Ollie down without hurting her feelings. She's so sweet..I don't want her to hate me, think I'm like the other chicks who she liked that like Sandy or Misty. I have no reason to feel guilty, but I do! Ash said when I was on the phone with Ollie she heard my "uncomfortable tone" come out. Haha Ash can read me. Steph told me she misses sleeping next to me. That made me sad cuz hell, I miss anyone sleeping next to me. I got way too used to it. MB liking me isn't much of a problem because I've known. I've avoided it thus far, and shall continue to side-step her advances. I just don't have the heart to tell people I don't like them like that. I'm really wondering if these people just see their chance slipping away and that's why they're now coming out with it. But that's just fucking annoying. I hate shit like that. I hope my mind isn't plagued with guilt. I never enjoy hurting anyone. Or even the possibility of hurting someone. Jesus Christ, am I just an evil cruel piece of shit? Grrrrrrrr. Damn it. I know I'm a good person and I hate shit making me question it. I'm thinking I can just tell Ollie she came along a little too late.. I just don't know. I'm not used to this. I don't know how to handle it. I don't get girls to reject! So how do I do it, huh?! I have a feeling this is really going to get to me. I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD! I'm too kind hearted for this fuckin shit. Fuck. But I know I need to do it before it goes too far. How is it easy for everyone else to say no to people? I mean, certain people didn't have trouble telling me no! It's so nice to be told I'm good looking/hot/cute whatever, but I don't want somebody to like me just for my looks. And get this! Ollie told me when she first met me she thought I was stuck up, too! Can you even believe it! I was fuckin shy! 2 people mistook shyness for being stuck up. It's not like I had my nose in the air. Anytime I'm in my shy uncomfortableness, I sit or stand in an insecure position, more than likely arms crossed, like I'm trying to protect myself. Keep my mouth completely shut, with an unidentifiable look on my face, not mad, or sad or happy. Just blank. I pay attention to what's said, but am just too shy to contribute my 2 cents. Which is weird cuz sometimes man, I'm out there all up in ya face with my 2 cents. I say what I mean, am rather blunt, which some people take as rude. I can talk some shit, like major honesty. But yeah, I know I've written a lot like always. So I'm gonna go hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

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