2005-08-06 - 9:19 p.m.

Okay, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but it must be something. Melissa is acting like she hates me. Usually, she calls all the time, we talk online, she invites me to go out or they come and hang out. But now, she hasn't been calling, she barely talks to me online..it's the uninterested, barely talking, not real conversation chats, and she told me she's going to the club Wednesday and didn't invite me. I don't know what I did. But she's talking to me like I don't know her. She said,"My piercer, Michael (like I haven't met him a million times and gotten bear hugs from him) the coolest guy in the world is going to metro with me and mb and tosha wedn." That's mean. It hurt my feelings. Why do people turn mean with me? I'm sad.

And I feel like a big ol' piece o' crap cuz I'm avoiding Ollie. I got so freaked out by the thought of her coming over, that everytime I heard a car door, I started shaking. Then I heard 2 car doors and then it was them. I seriously started having a panic attack. I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I begged Pops to cover for me. I ran upstairs as they were knocking on the door. I felt so bad and stupid, but I wouldn't have been able to control my shaking and breathing and would've looked like a psycho. So, of course, I hid and layed on my bed trying to calm down and waiting to hear them leave. When I finally heard the doors shut and them start puttering up the street, I took a deep breath and jumped off the roof. Not really. I cuddled up with my koala and collected myself. Then I heard them come back, this time, Pops answered the door and told them I was asleep. I have super sonic hearing, so I heard everything that was said. After Pops shut the door, he said in a quiet voice, "You owe me." The last thing I remember before passing out was laughing.

I woke up a couple hours later and realized, since I had closed the AOL in a hurry so I could run and hide, the aol software thought it had fucked up and signed itself back on. So I had 10ims waiting for me, but nobody was on anymore except for the Felony kid who won't stop talking about Ashli. I actually had an okay conversation with him, about religion and stuff. Any other time, he bugs the piss out of me asking what kind of cake Ash would want at their wedding and stupid shit like that. I kept sitting here wishing Tosha would get on cuz I really wanted to talk to her. Ollie had really gotten to me and I wanted to talk to Tosha to make ollie get out of my head. I still feel so bad, but Ollie freaks me out with how unbelievably forward she is. I can't go from being friends right into her mackin on me. Just can't take the mind-shift. I talked to Tosha until like 8:30am. She was supposed to leave for Dyersburg at 7am. Heh. But hey, she kept me awake, I kept her in Memphis. We're even. I hope she's not gone too long. I miss her already. Oh god I'm a dweeb! Sorry I'm a dweeb, everyone. You can hit me if you'd like.

I finally fell asleep about 9, woke up at 1pm. Steven had come in at about 5am, drunk as piss, talking jibberish and stumbling. I can't believe he drove home like that. He knocked on my door a couple seconds after I woke up and said Ollie had called and then Sandy called from Ollie's phone, but he thought I wasn't home. So Yessss. They've both called repeatedly all day. I'm just ignoring it. I feel like crap for doing it, but I've completely lost my nerve and I'm like wimpering in a corner. There was a message from Sandy when I got home from the dinner party at Ida's. (It was weird. Good food, but weird. Steven brought Jeff, Doug and Jared. We stayed long enough to eat, hang out for a minute, and then left. And little Mister John I'm a gay boy and drunk everytime I meet you, was drunkenly blathering to me. Met Ida's brother, who looks like my old chemistry teacher. I'm going to have a 65 year old uncle. That's kinda weird to me.) The message said,"Hey Suzy. It's Sandy. I was wondering what happened to you last night? Call me back." What am I supposed to say?! I'm finding it easier to hide in my house and just avoid the phone when the caller ID says no data. That's pathetic, but I've never had to turn a chick down, and I don't want to start. She can just get the point, hopefully. How do other people find this so easy?! Fuckin shit.

I'm tired now. Wish I could talk to Tosha. I got myself looking all cute to go over to Ida's. I wish I could find my digital, cuz I'd take a picture. I did my makeup all pretty, put on some accessories. I wore a white spumghetti strap shirt with a built in underwire, a cute kinda retro arrow-stripped skirt (white, brown, 2 light blues, yellow and orangey-pink)and my like 4 inch sandal heels. Very purty. Cute. John (drunk gay boy) came up and said,"Oooo I like this look, too. You look even better than last time!" So funny.

Kay, so I hate feeling like I'm trapped in my own house. I'm afraid Ollie's jsut going to show up or something. Christ on a cross. But there's no one really keeping my interest on here right now, so I guess I'm going to go try to occupy myself. Sharyn is still being a goofball saying she loves me and I'm the girl for her. Oh, and some chick from Alabama on Myspace started talking to me last night and was saying that when I get unconfused she'll be there to woo me and try to make me hers. She was saying,"I'll warn you, once I like somebody, I'm stubborn and I get what I want." She reminded me of me in some aspects. Like the whole weirdness, an overflow of personality, as she put it. But I don't see how someone can talk to me for an hour and be like "MINE"..so I jsut don't trust things like that. I don't think that's going to go anywhere! I love myself, but I couldn't really take being with someone like me. When it rains, it pours seems to be the expression for what's going on with chicks and me. oo chiwatty watty oo chibang bang. I have no fuckin clue. I think I'm going loco.

3:40am 8/7/05 Little update. Ash called earlier freaking out. Her neighbor was apparently strung out on something and was trying to kill his 8 year old daughter, who was in her underwear, banging on doors, begging to be let in. She brought the girl inside and called the cops. She gave the girl a shirt. When the cops came, they were really shady, saying to go hide in the back bedroom and be ready to run when told to. Then they got the girl out, and said everything was okay. They didn't arrest dude, just took him to the hospital.

Aud and Hannah were supposed to come over. Stood me up, yo. I hate when people call me and tell me they're coming over and don't show. I mean, it's not like I called her and asked her to come over, she's the one who brought it up! Just bugs me.

On the way home from Ida's, Steven and his friends were talking about a kid we all went to school with named Hunter. It made me sad cuz I had been friends with his sister and she died..3 or 4 years ago now. I think that was one of the saddest funerals I've ever been to. And I've been to plenty, unluckily. There's probably more stuff I forgot to write, but if it's important, I'll remember.

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