2005-09-05 - 1:43 a.m.

(I added more at the bottom.)Tosha's pushing me away. After saying Friday/Saturday, she'd be my girlfriend.. she's pushing me away. I've been talking to her online, trying to make her understand I care, I wouldn't hurt her.. I really wouldn't. Anyone who knows me knows that. Everyone has said,"I know you'd be good to her." I've been crying for the past I don't even know how long, but I haven't told her I'm crying. I know she doesn't want to make me cry. I just can't help it.. I want her so badly, I don't think anyone understands. I could help her get past this, if only she'd give me the opportunity. I want to help her get past this, so she could be mine. She keeps telling me I'll find someone else. I'm too good for her. I don't want to find someone else. Everyone says I'm too good for them, but if I'm too good for them, then where does that leave me? Better than everyone by myself? I wish I could show her inside me, show that I'd be the best thing she never wanted. She doesn't want to be with someone she cares about, and I don't understand that. Why go through a shallow relationship when you could have something with meaning? I understand fear of being hurt, god knows I fear it more than death, but you can't let being hurt one time affect every other relationship after that. I'm willing to get hurt for her. I don't do that! She doesn't think she deserves happiness, but she deserves all the joy in the world. And I'd like to give her that joy. Even with hurting me, I know she's sweet and caring under her wall she has built. All I can see in my head is her as she was laying on me Friday night. I just sat there holding her and petting her face gently. I was so happy..what am I supposed to do?! Can anyone tell me? I really can't explain why I care about her as much as I do, but it's going to burst out of me and become it's own being. I miss her so much already, I just want to hold her. She gave me a reason to look forward to waking up. I wish she'd give me a chance. She just says I'm sorry. I can't do it. She could! Maybe she doesn't want to and doesn't know how to say it. Why do I always turn stuff around on myself like that?! Like there's something wrong with me..that has to be it. That's just how I think. Oh Tosha, I wish you'd let me knock your wall down. It does you no good, it may stop some of the pain from getting through, but it'll hurt you worse in the long run. I care about you, and this won't go away. I won't "meet somebody soon" because I don't want to. All I hear in my head is:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away. The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you, in my arms, when I awoke dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and I cried.

I have to go now.

I shouldn't have said all the things I said, I should have just gotten off the phone when she wanted to. She just got offline after saying," I'll miss you. I regret this already. But I can't talk to you because it fucking hurts. Take care." Maybe then she'd at least still talk to me. I had said earlier, "I'm the one who hopes you'll still talk to me." I said please no and started to type more and she got off. And now I'm sobbing these gut wrenching sobs and gagging from the force of 'em. I don't know what I want to do. I won't say what my first urge is, because it's stupid. oh god I hurt. I know she doesn't understand... I didn't know I had this many tears in me. I didn't know I could feel this much pain over something that hasn't even lasted that long. I don't care instantly, but I did with her. I don't want it to be over. How am I supposed to cope? I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the next couple weeks. Nilla's trying to comfort me, cleaning me and being sweet. But all I want is Tosha. I'm so fucking stupid! Why did I let her in like that? All I want is her, and she doesn't even want to talk to me again. I don't trust myself right now. I can't take this. it hurts so much... and if you've read this for a while, you know me and emotional pain don't go. I end up doing stupid shit. And I don't even have anyone I can talk to.... please god don't let me do something stupid. I don't want to feel anymore! Someone take my pain please. And I wish I hadn't told everyone she's my girlfriend now and stuff... now they're just going to ask how it's going and I'm going to cry. I'm such an ass... if you could only see me right now.....even somebody who hated me and wanted me to die would probably want to give me a hug right now. rip my heart out............ Have you ever been so sad, you want to scream until you pass out, but when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. That's how I feel right now.. and believe me, the silence is deafening. I just wish she hadn't told me I could keep her. I can hear her in my head saying,"You can keep me." Owwwwwwwww

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