2006-04-20 - 10:21 p.m.

Hey Everybody!! I really have no clue if this ever gets read anymore. I don't really care, though. It's just nice to be able to write.

Man, sometimes I get so scared that Tosha's going to leave me, that she'll just get sick of me and walk away. I know she loves me and I love her so much, I, the queen of talking, can't even find the words to truly express it. When I think of her leaving, it's like a huge hole forms in my chest and I feel like I'm just going to fall into it and never return. I love her so much, you guys. I know sometimes I'm a lot to handle, I know I've got my problems, but I love her with all my heart and I wish I could take care of her like I want to. I hope one day to be able to finacially and physically take care of her. You know, have a place together, have a life. I dream of it sometimes. Just being able to be with her. I know sometimes she needs time by herself and I'd give her that. She already has my heart and soul. I want every night to end in her arms or her in mine. That would be so nice. After a hard day coming home to her. She's all I ever dreamed of in a girl. Beautiful, funny, smart, caring, sweet.. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd find that. I count my blessings everyday, knowing she's mine and I'm hers. She is the major blessing in my life. I love her so much. Right now, I feel blessed.

Talena just called me. Her son Danyel ( she doesn't even remember how they spelled it!) was screaming his little head off. That baby loves me. He can be screaming his head off and hear my voice or be put in my arms and he's happy. She promised him that he'd see me this weekend. That'd be cool if they could come over Saturday, cuz maybe then Tosha could meet my oldest friend in the world. It's crazy I've known Talena 13 going on 14 years. I mean, I'm only 20 going to be 21, so that's a pretty long time. I think they'll like each other. Talena's really sweet, her husband Harry's a little weird, but that doesn't surprise me in the least. They're perfect for each other. But Talena already likes Tosha just cuz she knows how much I love her. And Talena's not crazy, so Tosha will like her. I would like for them to get along.

Pops and Ida are leaving to cook for boyscouts this weekend. They had wanted me to go with them, but I didn't really have an interest in cooking for all the boyscouts. I loved camping, but I haven't done it in a hella long time. I was a boyscout! Yippie for me! I'd rather spend time with Tosha. She's going to come over tomorrow night sometime. I wish I could get more time with her, but she has to study and whatnot. I wish I could help her out more with her work, but I try to do what I can. I'm trying not to impede her book learnin'. Haha. I helped with her crossword when I was over there night before last. Man, some of that shit is hard. I pray I can do even half as well as she does in school. My baby's so smart. I'm so proud of her, no matter how much she doesn't like something, she sticks to it. I know she'll make a great nurse. And ya know, when I'm a chef, if I burn myself or cut myself, she can fix it up for me. Well, as long as I don't like hack a finger off or something.

I'm trying to talk Pops into letting me work towards money to get Talena a ticket to Memphis in May. I don't think she's ever gone and there's a band she wants to see. My Uncle Dave is coming into town for the...3rd, I think, year in a row for the Beale Street Music Festivale. I know he's not going to want to hear all the bands I want to hear, and I hate being alone in big crowds, so hopefully Talena can come with me. Tosha's not interested in going. I'd like her to go with me, and Pops said he would get her a ticket, but she doesn't want to. That's okay, though. It's not like I want her to do anything she doesn't want to. I love hearing all the music and the food and all that whatnot.

It sounds like it's raining pretty hard outside. I want to go play in it cuz I have'nt heard any thunder os seen any lightening. I love running in the rain! I'm such a dork.

But okay! I am now officially done. I love Tosha and I want to marry her and have her baby!!!!!!!!! Heh. later

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