2006-11-12 - 3:19 a.m.
Well, yeah. I haven't written on here in forever. I'm almost done with my "freshman" semester. Only about a month left. So far I'm pretty sure I have all A's. I'm hoping to make the dean's list, maybe I could get some kinda discount or something... I need it.
I'm fucking cold. And depressed. At this moment in time I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. I don't know what's going on in my relationship anymore. I love Tosha so much and yet somehow, I just seem to make her dislike me more and more. It's not like I changed...well maybe a little, but I was needy from the get-go. What am I doing wrong? How can trying to hold her close and love her and be there for her, push her away? What happened to the old Tosha that would cuddle and say she loved me and tell me I was beautiful? I still see glimpses of that Tosha sometimes. She's still there...but why is she hiding? I'm not going to hurt her, I wouldn't do her wrong. I'M NOT MOVING TO FUCKING UTAH WITH POPS AND IDA! I'm not going anywhere. I'm sitting here, loving her, wanting her in my arms. I know she's stressed with so many classes.. I know she's busting her butt... but why can't it be like I go over there and cook her dinner and we have a nice night? Why can't the stress just end at the doorway? Why can't seeing me make her happy anymore? All these things I'm asking myself. I'm blaming myself wondering what I've done wrong. I know this god damned journal didn't help things. I just wish she could understand I was a different person in those days. I've grown up and changed and seen the many, many errors of my ways. To be a dork and quote the phantom of the opera, why can't the past just die? Kay..crying harder now..got the song stuck in my head. Aww...sad memory popped up, too. We played a Phantom song at Grandma P's funeral. And now funny...we played R. Kelly's "I believe I can fly" Shouldn't make me laugh, but if only they knew he liked to pee on kids when they picked the song. I'm trying to distract myself from the depression I feel. Tried to do algebra homework, but my brain just won't focus. I should have taken my nutrition test earlier. Tosha, I love you so much I don't even know what to do with it all. Why can't I be all you want? Why can't things just go back? Just being around you still makes me smile. God, babe...I don't even know what to say. I just want to cry forever. I seriously don't want anyone else. Don't want another relationship, don't want another person. I just want you. If I can't have you, there's no use even trying because no one can hold a candle to you. I know you love me... I just wish it wasn't a question in your mind. I've never known someone to mean so much to me. I thought of you as mine from pretty much the moment I saw you. Remember what I IMed you after we met? Remember the first time I told you I loved you? The bear you gave me still makes me smile every night. Please come back.. let things be like they were. You mean more than the world, air, sun, moon, stars, universe, to me. I love you so much, sweetheart. I just wish I could say everything to you that I ever wanted to say.. I just can't ever get the words out right. Typing flows better for me, obviously. I love you more than life itself.
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| Personality Disorder Test Results
|
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Very High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very High |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Extreme |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Extreme |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Extreme |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very High |
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
You Are Totally a Lesbian
Someone would have to be blind and deaf to miss out on the fact that you are a lesbian.You've been checking out women for so long that you've gotten it down to a science.
You love tits and legs and smarts.
You enjoy sex with ladies, from kissing to banging to eating them out.
You hope to settle down with a woman and make a vow with her for life.
You are most worked up about the lack of a legitimate gay marriage.
Since men are not your thing, legal marriage is a difficult opinion.
You long to live in a lesbian utopia!
Are *You* a Lesbian?
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